A new beginning

It's Suzanne, you've found me here because I've given up on Facebook and Myspace. Mainly because of the silliness of applications and the influx of people who call themselves my friends. I've moved here because here I can be me. I can use my words and my pictures with the assurance that only those who are actually my friends, and not just beings lead by curiousity will be enlightened. Even though I don't have to know who you are I can be content with knowing that you more than likely actaully know me. Otherwise how would you know to find me here? So, yeah thats the reason behind the transition. I did take the liberty to move my previous blogs over from myspace, so you can't say you've missed anything.
Oh yeah and before I go.. I "blog" with intentions, and hopes that my words will be an encouragement, my experiences an inspiration, not as a means to journal my hearts deepest concerns. That's the point in journaling. There IS a difference.

pee on my sperrys (7/11)

So today was surely a day! I had an experience like no other, well it really was'nt that bad but in the moment it was HORRIBLE. So, I was working with my kids, and we're all at the library. As, we enter in I offer everyone a chance to use the bathroom and there are no takers. Just minutes as we walk through the door, and get set up using the computers, my 3 year crosses her legs, and as she squirms she says " I gotta pee pee". Of course me being prideful, and irritated I make her wait for like 2 seconds realizing if we don't go she'll pee her pants. So, as I am lecturing her about having a previous opportunity we hurry to the bathroom to make it on time. But, later comes the big kicker, the one where I get tested to the max. Again, my 3 year old has for whatever reason held it so long her eyeballs are floating, she decides to tell me again in the squirmy, holding herself manner... " I gotta pee pee". I once again rush her to the bathroom, and as I'm pulling her pants down she pees, all over herself, the floor and my FEET ( and my favorite sperry's!). In the heat of the moment I shout" Ashley stop, as I put her on the toilet to finish her business, she begins to cry in the most pitiful and innocent manner. Me still wrapped in the fact that I am a germ-o-phob, and highly irritated that this kid good and well potty trained continues to wait to the LAST possible second to attempt to make it to the bathroom, I clean up her overalls, while she still cries in embrassment and shame. I realize you know she's 3! And, all of a sudden the automatic flusher goes off and her big beautiful brown eyes light up in shock, I see a smile peeking through. Right there in that moment, in those big Ashley, sweet and love filled eyes, I see God. He say's "you asked for this, you asked for patience, you asked to be molded into the type of wife and mother I'd have you to be for Shayne, you asked for me to make you love others in a deep and intimate way". He said " calm down Suzanne!, handle this as I would." I was convicted and humbled in that brief moment. And, as I responded to her reaction of the flush, I scoop her up and say " ohh no ohh no we can't have you flush away". The tears roll away from face, the shame dims, and that smile that I swear touches her ears and my heart is back. I realize she's a baby, she made a mistake and in no way would Jesus of ever put his sperry's or his on phobia of germs before the heart of someone else. And, I know now that even though its fun to joke about with friends, I never again will either.

Just Saying (6/19)

just saying

So, its been a while since I've journaled and normally I'm totally opposed to writing a "blog" for all to see. But, I'm sitting here thinking and so here it goes. It's has been a CRAZY last few months. Life has been going 100mph plus and its been a chaotic whirlwind but I must say that one thing remains to hold true, and that's God and his gracious love and security. Over the past couple months I've dealt with things that really caused emotional turmoil in my life, but yet made me just a bit stronger in my faith with God. However, all along i've been putting myself aside, thinking it's what Jesus would do. But, sometimes it happens that we forget to love and care for ourselves, so in the midst of loving everyone us, we lose sight of "us". That has happened to me, and so finally I surrendered to God. When I felt like I could not take the emptiness anymore that derives from not being able to do enough, to "fix" things I realized it's not all for me to fix, but rather to turn over to Him. And, just the other night I sat down and cried about it and spoke with God about it in a way I have yet to do so. I cried about why people hurt and don't feel loved, why people ever have to second guess their own self worth. I cried about being so financially fortunate when others aren't even sure that they will be able to provide food for their family, I cried because I look at 3 beautiful smiles everyday and I know how uneasy their lives really are. I cry because I don't know what will come for them. I cried because I'm on edge with the people I love, because I don't know for sure what tomorrow brings in my own life. We're getting married, without jobs and I'm still in school and that scares the mess out of me. But, the constant ALWAYS outweighs the stress. And, that constant is God, and his amazing people. As, I was talking to a very dear friend of mine the other night on the phone, I was expressing how stressed and concerned I am about my future, and she says " you know I think it's ok to be there, to not know" and she's right.... just trust and perservere.God will deal with the rest. My life is above and beyond blessed and filled with joy, and so what when the world and its biggest fan Satan try to get me down? I can press on. Because I am loved, by God, and some incredible poeple. And, all I can shoot for is another day, to be in the presence of God, and to live for Him and His people. To love His people, hurt when they hurt and pray feriously that all come to know Him. Anyway, I just wanted to get this out, and hopefully encourage some one else who may think "life is hard...it sucks" that you ARE not alone ...we all have ALOT to deal with. But, because of the greatest sacrifice ever made we can press on and we can live meaningful lives!