you're right...life's not fair

So this has been a pretty blessed week for me, a pretty beautiful day for me, a pretty amazing moment for me, as USUAL! This week I finished up a semester at school! Praise God! This week I successfully applied for jobs Praise God. This week I was surrounded by those who LOVE me Praise God. This week I was able to finish my Christmas shopping Praise God. This week I was able to spend time with some of the most special people in my life Praise God. This week I attended two sleepovers.. and every other night slept in my husband's loving arms Praise God. This week began with sharing in the celebration of my beautiful mother's birthday with my family Praise God. This week I smiled, and saw others smile. Praise God. This week I ate well, and slept well. Praise God. This week I felt little physical pain, I never questioned whether or not I am loved, and this week I realized AGAIN... how INCREDIBLY blessed I am!! PRAISE GOD!
I know that God is not only good to me, he is GREAT to me. He has ALWAYS supplied for me, always LOVED me. And, last night I got the chance to have PT with Amanda Brown (One of His most beautiful and loving daughters) And, our conversation started out small, and the next thing you know we are realizing and reflecting on how GREAT OUR GOD IS, how AWESOME our lives have been. And, we both felt a little ashamed, or guilty rather, that we have had to endure very little pain, and hardship in our lives. But, yet so graciously thankful! I do realize that my tomorrow isn't here yet, and I do NOT know what is written in my story. Perhaps there will be great pain, or hardship.... perhaps not. Regardless, I know that God is GOOD. And, God has equipped me and continues to prepare me to take my not so rigid heart and be a reflection of him. I AM HUMBLED! in knowing that my life is GOOD. That I have been bought and saved by the almighty King!
But still not humble enough to let go of pride, or bitterness toward those who don't do good for the good of others, I'm not humbled enough to not judge, to not question, to completely except peace, and to embrace surrender. I still don't understand how people/ myself can have so much in life and not be completely stripped in humility.
It sorta brings me to the song by... of course, David Crowder, called Surely we Can Change. I know that my problem is that my cheek still turns even after being bought by a kiss. I don't know what to do with a love like that of God's, and all the love in the world is right among us, but so is hatred and we must choose what to do with our hands, and our hearts.
And going back to my PT with Amanda last night...I laid there and prayed until I fell asleep. To be able to use the gift of my life to offer grace in the pain, serenity in the suffering, to help those who are afraid to become brave, BECAUSE surely I CAN CHANGE. I can take the fact that my life has been simple and basically free of true suffering, and pain and use it as gift, as a prompt to help others in this harsh world that surrounds us. And, when the day comes that I may be burdened with pain, suffering, freight and even misery, I will STILL choose to seek God first! And, I hope those who love me will too come to my rescue. I pray brothers and sisters that our hearts will never harden to one another and I that the day will never come when we do not fight and defend THE kingdom of God.
The purpose of this is that no matter where your life has been, or where you are now, or where you are going, GOD is with you, and if he's not he DESPERATELY WANTS to be. I pray that for all those of us, who've been blessed beyond reason or understanding, will be HUMBLED through those blessings, and that we will never take for granted what God has given us. More importantly I hope that WE will not be crippled by our blessings, but instead I pray that we use our Blessings as BLESSINGS. I hope to use the gifts God intended for me to have to better the people, myself as well. I hope that our generation never lay dormant when "life is good". Remember how tough life was for Jesus, but yet he continued to pour out blessings and preform miracles. And, so instead of taking my "blessed and simple" life for granted, I WILL be more adamant about sharing my GIFT, of living. Because life is NOT always good.... and you're right... it sure ain't fair!

Vote- if your conscience allows!

So, today is the so called "big" day... the day when teachers cancel class, and people stand in ridiculous lines to have their voice or opinion if you will "heard". Let me just say right now, that if you are voting in this election this blog is not meant as a judgment upon you rather just a different view toward today's event. I personally have chose not to vote in this years national election, I will be going home to cast votes for local and state level elections. But, for me it is not about the right or the left, or the black man vs. the woman...it's about God... Jesus rather and living a life in faithfulness to him. I am a huge fan of Derek Webb, and as I was reading his blog this morning I realize that people do still take a stand for their conscience.. for the inner voice of "God" that leads them into decision making. When the campaign first began in the early part of the year I was on board with Ron Paul, a man who most didn't take seriously and thought to be "crazy". However, Ron Paul stands for the common good of OTHERS and that's little we can say for most candidates. I am not going to go off a political tangent of who's right and who's not because after all we don't all see things the same. However, back to Derek Webb, I am attaching his blog on "shall then should we vote" in hopes that you will actually read it. By reading that you will see where I am coming from in saying that I do not agree with the stance, and moral character of either candidate, and I do not have HOPE in any MAN. My hope is my Father, who made a real sacrifice for me, and my desire is to follow his will. In doing so, I feel it is a personal responsibility of mine, to care and love my neighbor deeply, and in that I need no politician. It is obvious that the world we live in is corrupt, and people are slapping bumper stickers for Obama and McCain right and left on their cars, instead of Vote for Jesus, or Vote for what is RIGHT, or Don't vote stickers. It is sad to me that our decisions as a country are based solely on which candidate is going to benefit me and my family most, instead of our whole country! It is disturbing that people would cast votes because she is an intelligent woman or because he is a black man. It is unmoving to know that people will take quite a stance against abortion, but yet think its cosure to deprive others of a better life because of their nationality. I am not a fan of "God Bless America" and" I'm a republican because I'm a Christian"... I don't buy into any Christian that would be selfish enough to wish God's blessings only upon their own country, or to claim to agree with a political platform because for some odd reason they interrupt Jesus as a Republican! Jesus was NOT a republican or a democrat.. Jesus was a man of his conscience and a man who only did what was right simply because it was RIGHT. By this I once again am NOT condemning anyone who voted, as long as you voted with a moral perspective and a faithful conscience... I just simply cannot vote because my conscience says no. And, my attempt here should of been made yesterday in hopes to catch you before you go to the polls and have you really sit down and think, pray over your decision of your "legal" right to cast a vote. Is it worth it? Are you sitting there confidant over the choice you made, or are going to make??? It's just a thought...

Derek Webb's thoughts on this:
http://www.patrolmag.com/times/922/how-shall-we-then-vote

Then a Hero comes Along...

There's a hero, if you look inside your heart,
You don't have to be afraid of what you are.
There's an answer, if you reach into your soul,
And the sorrow that you know will melt away.

And then a hero comes along,
With the strength to carry on.
And you cast your fears aside,
And you know you can survive.
So, when you feel like hope is gone,
Look inside you and be strong.
And then you'll finally see the truth,
That a hero lies in you.

It's a long road when you face the world alone;
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold.
You can find love if you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt will disappear.

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive.
So, when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you.

Lord knows dreams are hard to follow,
But don't let anyone tear them away.
Just hold on, there will be tomorrow,
In time you'll find the way.

And then a hero comes along,
With the strength to carry on.
And you cast your fears aside,
And you know you can survive.
So, when you feel like hope is gone ,
Look inside you and be strong.
And you'll finally see the truth,
That a hero lies in you.
That a hero lies in you.
Ohhh that a hero lies in you.

This is one of my very favorite songs... but why?
I believe the basic of this song is to remind us that NO ONE is too weak to be defeated! I have been through some pretty hard things in my life as I know others who have been through much worse and back. In those moments a song like this may make me cry, but it also brings light to reality. The reality is that if we search into our soul, we find our deepest connection to the meaning of our life, and we realize hey you know what I can do this... I am in deed not just a survivor but a hero.
Of course this song can also be a reminder of all the hero's in our lives, I was supposed to dance to it with my big brother at my wedding. In my life, when I define Hero it is with names like God of course, Bob, Mama, Daddy, Amanda, Kelly, my husband..... many many many more. The significance here is that none of these people nor myself wear spandex and have super powers, except God of course, but rather they are just people. Broken people at that, with struggles of their own and their very own demons fighting inside of them. But, at some point and even numerous points they were there with an open heart and the right words of encouragement and love and they helped me find my inner hero.
I do think that Mariah Carey is referring to self heroism in the song. She is encouraging us to look at our selves to realize that when we look into our hearts and souls.. the sorrow that we know will melt away. We will meet our own hero that lives within us, the hero that God placed so delicately in each of our hearts to give us the strength to survive. The one who gives us the strangth to not lose focus of our dreams and our purpose.
So whether you take this song and look for the hero that lives within your own soul, or you take it and turn to all the other hero's in your life, I encourage you to just listen to it and be moved by it. Simply, a song of great encouragement and truth. And, it has been a favorite of mine since my dog charlie died and my big bro that was away at college stepped up and became what I then thought to be my hero. Then when I was 21 my world crumbled from around me and I didn't care much for who I was, I didn't think there was much to me. And, then I met Jesus and he sent me hero's from all different walks of life, and together with this song as the background music, I found that hero in my own heart. The one that said... I will not be defeated, I am loved and I have purpose, and that is the hero that still to this day keeps me moving.

Just listen..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWlS8Oerx8o

the messages we send...

I will be writing this as if it were yesterday because I wrote it yesterday just never got the chance to type it.. ok just making sure that's clear. So, today I was walking downtown to lunch with a couple good friends of mine. We were just talking and laughing, and in a joking manner I brought up the subject of stupidity. I suggested making a scarlet letter style "s" to slap on the forehead of stupid people. I was reflecting on someone in my literature class categorizing George Washington with the Civil War. No, George Washington wasn't President during the Civil War, NOT even close.. how about the American Revolution! I laughed out loud because this was either a moment of obliviousness or just flat out idiocy. Then in the afternoon I was in Pysch class listening to the Professor ramble on about developmental stages. Today we discussed emotional and social development, an area I'm actually very interested in. I even believe it to be the up most important stage in development. Hear me out, if you are malnourished there is still hope and possibility to recover with ample food and rest, you can still grow and development healthy. (physical development) If you are deprived educational resources and intellectual skills you can still live in a functional manner. It may not be easy but life can still be fulfilling. (Cognitive development). However, WORDS and the lack of emotional support can DAMAGE a person for Good. Emotional development affects social development and together those can make or break a person. In the early years the messages sent to children can form their life long self image and worth. Therefore we should be sensitive to all developmental disabilities indeed. We need to realize that yes developmental stages occur in our younger years, but the HEART and the brain endorphins that control self image and perspective are ALWAYS delicate. Therefore, we even as grownups need to be careful with our words and actions, and realize that the messages we send to others do affect them deeply.
I AM very blessed to have parents like I do who were aware of all my developmental stages, sensitive to the person "they" were molding. Of course they fed me well, offered numerous educational tools, adamant about providing me the appropriate opportunities and tools to enhance my cognitive development and desire to learn and do my best. But MOST importantly they offered sincere love, and support, encouragement, and discipline. They allowed me autonomy while teaching me respect and dignity. They allowed me the chance to initiate my own interactions with others but with boundaries and guidance. In other words my parents expected/ expect the best out of me and they do get discouraged when we don't succeed. They let me know that they expected better without labels of negative messages, such as " you deserve an "S" for stupid". Granted I'm thinking most of us had parents who did not call us stupid, however, I think A LOT more often then not parents FAIL at expressing love and self worth. It some how or the other is not taught in a proper positive manner that you should respect yourself and love yourself. The point of this is not a pyschology paper or to brag on my parents effective and awesome ability to raise strong, functioning, children but rather to make myself and others aware of our very own messages.
The message we send to preschoolers can immobilize them or mobilize them for a lifetime even as college students and adults. So it is evident the messages we send to everyone does take affect on their livelihood. I am aware that most of you reading this don't have a 3 year old, but I'm sure as I do myself, we know and love someone who has been paralyzed or severely crippled by inadequate caregiving and love during not only the developmental stages, but along the course of their life. And, still to this day scars from messages that have a lasting effect on everything else's potential.
Doesn't this kinda sound like Satan? He feeds off conversations such as the Scarlet " S" in which I pick fun of someone Else's mistake, and others laugh at it. Isn't that Satan? Isn't it like Satan to keep parents and friends from sending positive messages of love to others. Isn't like Satan to deprive someone of their own self worth, and to not offer the appropriate praise, support and encouragement to others. It's just like Satan to take a conversation with friends on the way to Cubbies and use it to potentially damage someone else. We, especially myself, need to be more sensitive to others hearts even in our jokes. Quite often my jokes or sarcasm spurs from pride, and further damages my honest humility. Because one bad joke could ruin not only someones day but their own lasting self esteem. Not to mention it shuts them off from you and from me. Even though I think this mornings rip van winkle discussion made others look and sound really silly, I had NO right to make a joke out of it, especially not at someone else defense. And, really how often do we do that... we do it all the time!
In all honesty, once my guard is down I'm such a softy... filled with humility through God's grace and discipline. I am the kind who just sits and cries over others pain, I do care about what happens to Gods people. And there is no doubt in my mind if I had of walked out of class with the same girl the joke was on, and saw her about to get hit by a bus, I'd do my best to save her. Because that is my call ... that is what God has told me to do... not make clever Satan like jokes. My point with this is to use my/ our hearts to guide us. To be sensitive and empathic without being doormats of course, but with integrity and love send messages that we really mean.
God gave me a strong heart and awesome parents who did their best to raise me in a healthy and positive manner... and now it is my DUTY to take that combination and live it out. I need to guard the hearts of all people and love others in the way I am loved. I need to relay the messages that I have never been denied!!

My Wedding Day

So as most of you know I got married September 20th and that little cliche is true.... it WAS indeed the BEST day of my life! Everything about the days leading up to the wedding and the BIG day was just perfect. We'll start with Thursday... I went to Kay to pick up my band because it was initially to small, and I thought for sure they were not going to let me get it because Shayne's name was on the receipt. But as I thought a little harder about that ... I was like " well I signed it too" and after we spotted my little microscopic signature they turned the band over to me! Stress number 1! Then Thursday night was very delightful.... and a little stressful at the same time. We were making programs with a printer that printed slower than slow, but it was me and a few great friends... so it was worth it! Then the people started to arrive.. the out of town guests. These were families who drove miles and miles just to watch us get married. And, as we were sitting around visiting I began to get a little overwhelmed with the blessing of friendship and unity. Friday morning I received some awesome news... God had yet again answered a prayer. My cousin decided to take part in my big day, and in all honesty it was the highlight of Friday. Friday was great!... Shayne and I went and applied for a marriage license, and picked up the cakes. Then we came back home to a yard full of friends and family decorating for the big shin dig. That night.. was rehearsal and I got to meet some of Shayne's childhood buddies I'd never met before that were groomsmen. I had my favorite teenagers agree to do all the favors asked of them. Luke is in love with Blake and that is just precious to Shayne and I. We rehearsed and laughed and had a good ole time... then it was over to DEADWOOD.
When we arrived at DW the entire dancehall was full of guests, family and friends laughing and enjoying themselves... it was more than delightful it was a blessing. We made our rounds to the tables passing out SW²
magnets and conversing about the trip and travels. As my father in law gave his welcome speech, we establisehed that we had guests from 9 different states and Canada all gathered to celebrate us. That sure brought a smile to our face. The kids loved it at DW as they had endless train rides, roller coaster and putt putt... and I'll say its fun riding the roller coaster with little people. We got the chance to eat the amazing food prepared by DW and were giving a couple more than meaningful speeches. My sister in law is the BEST sister I can ask for .... she made us a video that had the whole room crying and laughing. It was a great night! Then Shayne and I told each other goodnight one last time.. and 8 hrs later I was waking up to my BIG DAY!!!
As I woke up to Rudy and Dani.. haha that's a combination.. I said well guys here we go! We had breakfast cooked up for us, and then I was off to get my hair done. Where not only did I get my heair done but I was granted the opportunity to recieve encouragement and love from John... my favorite hairdresser. We went to pick up the flowers and they were breathtaking... I REALLY appreciate a beautiful flower. The florist told us my fiance was just in there buying me flowers... the gorgeous ones that were in my room when I got home. The sweetest little note simply said... "we're getting married today.. I love you". The time just flew.. it was time for pictures soon there after.. and dodging Shayne and the boys as they hung out at Aunt Dots. Luckily we took pics first... so I was able to watch State DEFEAT ECU!!! And, then it was time to get ready ... like for real this time. And the next hr was the most overwhelming... I had Kristi and Amy hopping! "Make sure they all get their flowers, where are my shoes?, I can't find my necklace, can you touch up my hair"..I sure do love those two and all my bridesmaids that kept me sane that last hour. Luke got cold feet ( it was precious ) .... and my daddy and I cried on each otehrs shoulders. But then ... it was time. We opened the garage door arm in arm.. and saw all those people and both looked at each other and said "crap"! well we probably actually used a nother version of that word.. hehe. Then Taylor and Jamie played Amazing Love and I made my grand entrance.. as soon as I saw Shayne's face .. everything else subsided. It was just him and I. I know I was surrounded by 100s of special people... and my family but all that mattered was him and I. We went through the most special ceremony.. that I can't even completely recall. All I know is that he was standing there holding my hand.. talking about not getting any sleep the night before and making me laugh the entire time. The songs and words were beautiful and God had the sky just right.. it was every bit of PERFECT!
The reception was AMAZING!! I never realized how long Feels like Home to Me is until we danced to it... Shayne bless his heart can't dance!! hehe. There were soo many people there that I was just stunned. My daddy loved the song I chose for him.. as I am his little girl. Ava shared our dance with us.. it was so adorable. Shayne and Blake entertained us all with Soulja Boy, and all the speeches were amazing. I gathered that Shayne's from those speechs that Shayne is a lucky guy!! hehe There are so many details of that day that I'd like to share.. but to sum it up. We wanted to do it again on Sunday it went by way to fast. It was more than perfect, God's hand was in it and we are LOVED. We were blessed with so many special guests and words and songs that made us cry with joy. It was the best day of our life! However, its just the beginning to very many perfect days together.
After we drove off in the Wrangler.. we went to Sonic for slushis and wal mart... then back to my parents to pack. We didnt make it home to Knightdale til after mid night and then made steak sandwiches and dug into ALL those gifts.... and the rest ... well you know how it goes!

Here are a few pics: http://watermelon.smugmug.com/gallery6012758_Zz8fo#375963613_LSKGY

The BIG day: http://watermelon.smugmug.com/gallery/6030112_99aT6#377447673_ozkvS

More to come later!

I just wanna write ...

I'm not really sure where this is going or what the moral will be at the end of the story... but I just feel that it is time for me to write again. As most of you know I have a BIG day coming VERY soon, I'm getting married on Saturday! I can't be any happier, I could afford to be a little less stressed but its all worth it. During my wedding planning, I've discovered a lot of things. Such as who my TRUE friends really are, unfortunately not everyone cares if you're happy or not and people really are selfish. At the same time many are selfless. My fiance can write better than I gave him credit for just wait to you hear his vows. My family is incredible! My big brother is still my hero! Yellow is a hard color to find in wedding stuff I don't know why because it's so beautiful. Music will make the day even more special. It is an honor that the kids I love so dearly are all actively taking part. School is really piling up, and A's may actually be a challenge this semester. My girls weekend, was the encouragement I needed and a reflection of one of God's greatest gifts... friendship. I know that special people are a part of all this even in their absence. I wish things were different and better with certain people. I KNOW that God has his hand in all of it, and it will be a beautiful Saturday. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed, but not in a stressed way. Rather in a humbling, brings me to tears way. Of course I have a lot to do still, and work that is due Thursday. But, beyond that right on the outside of that reality, lays the reality of being loved. I see the friends I have that have been there for me when my heart was broken, and now when it's becoming whole. I have a family that is the very root of my sanity, and the constant reminder of how blessed I truly am. I have a fiance that will be waiting for me at the end of the isle with the cutest most pure smirk on his precious face. He has been such an amazing part of the planning, and I just don't think boys get enough credit. And, then God... who's sitting back watching me fret over napkins that weren't printed correctly, and pushing me to complete my work, and to grasp hold of what is about to happen in my life. Even though this is our time, God is so good! And, he reminds me to remember others in this time too. To focus my ceremony on the good of others. He will be here Saturday night and I hope everyone sees/ feels his presence in what we are doing. I am so blessed and usually when I feel convicted, humbled. and just simply thankful I feel like others should know it. Because the same God who keeps me grounded, and covers my life with grace and peace... LOVES you and wants you to have that same peace in your heart. My life is crazy right now, its stressful but it's GOOD. I am loved, I love and I am complete through that. Anyway, I just thought I'd share with you on what keeps me going... what's constant in my life.

You and me we come from different worlds

I remember when I first told my daddy about you and he said .. "he's a Yankee... I bet he's a liberal too!" he he... how wrong he was. And, now today we are a month away from tying the knot, from becoming Mr. and Mrs.! And I can't even explain how excited I am. It's funny you know Shayne and I have a couple songs that really mean a lot to us, and that's how the title of this blog came about. That is a line from Hootie's "only wanna be with you".. how true that is .. Shayne and I did come from two totally different worlds, but oh how true it is that I only wanna be with him. I met Shayne in 2006 at an orientation for Summershine, and I thought he was precious right from the start, he seemed genuine, and real! However, we won't talk about the fact that I was dating someone at the time, all that needs to be known is that from the moment I met Shayne I knew he was special. Then a couple months later, my mama and I pull into the Summershine house and here he comes down the steps to greet me. He graciously helped us unload all of my stuff, and assured my mama that he'd look after me that summer, still for whatever reason I was in a relationship. I'm sure you know though that the relationship quickly fizzled as the summer got started, and I was hurt... because for once since John I had trusted someone again and let my guard down, and allowed my heart to open... and then what do you know it ends again. It was hard on me, being in a leadership position and needing to stay strong when I all I wanted to do was fall apart. Because this person I trusted, I trusted that he loved God and Me and he let me down. So, of course I didn't tell any shiners when it happened, and that weekend I had to leave for a special wedding back at home, so it was easy to not tell people. However, Shayne knew it, he could tell it... he has always been able to read me. He didn't say anything until I returned and he still said more through his actions then his words, he knew !'d talk to him when I was ready. For the rest of that summer Shayne and I fell in love,but as friends first. We fell even more in love with God and with each other through all that God was showing us. I knew from that first day, that he would be very special to me. Never did I really see how hard I'd fall for him. All that summer we spent time together, learning each other and new things about life, love and God. We'd write encouragement notes to each other, and hang out on our days off. Of course the world was shouting from the roof tops... they're dating they're dating. But, we both knew in our hearts how important our relationship/friendship was and there was nothing either of us would of done to jeopardize it's potential. So we laughed as they talked and continued to pray together, play together and be FRIENDS. As the summer drew near to close we knew we both felt the same, but me being the stronger willed of the two.. i ignited us dating. It was the best decision of my life. Shayne and I dated for four months, and then realized we loved each other but we were not together on a lot of things in life, and we took a break. It was the hardest time in his life to watch me walk away, but it didn't take him long to realize I hadn't gone far. A lot of things happened in his life while I was gone, things that were/ are hard and things that truly built character. Every since things have still being falling apart around him, but there two constants in his life, and he knew it in his heart that those two were, his relationship with Christ and his relationship with me.... which both grew stronger while we were apart. While we were on a break I too built my relationship with God stronger, and my actions and thoughts not only revolved around what would Jesus do, but also What will Shayne think? I knew from a summers night watching field of dreams that in that moment I had met my husband. I wasn't sure how long it'd take to be his wife, or the road we'd travel to get there, I just knew he was it. And, as we are a month away from saying I do, I just wanted all of you to know how incredibly awesome Shayne Frank Wilkinson is. Hes the kind of man, that doesn't say much but says so much. He avoids confrontation and guards people's hearts, even if he has to take the punches to do so he is one of the most humble and gentle men I know. He has a genuine love for people, and a precious little goofy personality that makes him Shayne. He's in love with Jesus, and me and with that what more can I ask for? Summer of 06 will always be the summer of my life, the summer that changed everything. And, as for me and Shayne we're just getting started on keeping those SW² dreams alive. I hope that if you're reading this you've met the person God made just for you, the person that makes you wanna be better, and encourages you daily. If you haven't I pray you're OK with that because trust me God, has that person out there so don't waste your time looking for them ... let them find you. Cause I sure wasn't looking for Shayne, but he found me. And, praise God for that!

"It's not goodbye, it's see ya later!"

I should of written this last night while all the thoughts and emotions were fresh on my heart and mind, but i didn't have the composure to do so. So, instead I took it all to bed with me, and I shared it with God, and with Shayne.... this last year and half has been like no other year. It's been the best year of my life, hands down! I got engaged to the man God brought to me, I got into grad school, and I had the blessing to work with the youth (teens) at my church. And, don't get me wrong I'm not downing the first two at all, I could write about Shayne for days. Or about how excited I am to continue my education and get a little closer to my professional goal. But, this morning I am writing on my experience with youth ministry because I'd honestly say it's been life altering. Working with these kids, changed me... it changed my perspective on a lot of things, it made me hunger for the Word more so I'd always be prepared, it made me wanna be a better person, with a character and reputation that they'd want to follow. I can't explain what it means to turn in to the church and see a full parking lot, and hear them say "BS your late". I know there are a lot of good kids out there, but these guys, they're different. They're real, and they're committed to their faith and to one another, and to me. Last night as we brought our ministry together to a close, due to separation with college, marriage and absence of me being the leader, I got it! I got it in a way I had never grasped it before, as we're taking pictures of tear filled eyes, lingering around to the very last minute, and studying the Word on how to be sincere in our relationships, I saw it. I saw God working in that building, and I was sad, but so so happy. I cried because this chapter has ended, but inside, my heart was screaming with joy about what's next to come. These kids are gonna be BIG, they will be making differences on college and high school campuses, they will press on. I will press on! I was overwhelmed with pride, I don't think they will ever know how proud I am of them, or how much I love each of them. So, as we walked out of our youth center last night, and locked the door... we ended a chapter that everyone thinks was the climax of life thus far, however, I see it as the foundation of things that are yet to come... things that are SO much bigger. GOD has big plans for all of them, and for me, and I pray and hope that together we will hold each other accountable, and always seek out God first. So, guys if you are reading this you know what I say: Listen to God first in everything, know who your friends are ( accountability) and love as if its all you know how to do, and of course HAVE FUN! Youth Ministry together may be over, but us as friends and siblings will NEVER end. So I won't say good bye... just see ya later.

Come...

So this morning in my quiet time I was talking to God about the last few days well, the last 6 to be exact. I was thanking him for all the friends that CAME this weekend to celebrate me. I thanked him for bringing a very special family out of danger, or possible danger. I thanked him for the opportunity to Come and do youth ministry, and I thanked him for it coming to an end last night. You know as I read the word, I see how often the word COME is used. As you should know I love David Crowder, and to help me write this I listened to two of my favorite songs he sings about coming. Come and listen and Come Awake both of which give great insight to the point of the word COME.
Come and listen, to the waters edge all of you, who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, to the waters edge all of you, who are thirsty.
Let me tell you what he has done for me, for YOU, for us
Come and listen to what he has done.
Praise our God,
for he is good
he is good
PRAISE...... for he is GOOD.
He has done for you, for me, for us
COME AND LISTEN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUxF3LULDG4

In Ecclesiastes chapter 5 it talks about standing in the AWE of God. And, I don't know if you've ever done that before, maybe while gazing a beautiful sunset, or while lost in music that brings tears of conviction to your eyes. But, I am writing this because over the last week I have been stuck in a state of standing in awe of God, crying those tears of conviction and gratitude for all that he has done.
The word says, 2: Do NOT be quick with your mouth, do NOT be hasty in your heart, to utter anything before God. God is in Heaven and you are on Earth so let your words be FEW. 4: When you make a vow to God, do NOT delay in fulfilling it. It is better to not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. This goes a long with a lesson Amanda and Neal so adamantly taught us, let your YES be YES and your NO be NO. Meaning, if you are called to COME rather to a celebration, or to come serve the Lords teenagers, or to find a safe haven for a worried family to come, then DO IT! Vow, to come and listen, and to come awake... ready to follow through.

This is a huge problem with all of us, we know the right things to do always, but we don't always do them. As for me I know when I'm called to come, and I know that quiet often I pick and choose what I come to, and what I come to do with those opportunities. Jesus told us in another form of come, to GO! He said in Matthew, GO make disciples of all nations. He said in Corinthians, GO LOVE my people.

So in a reminder this morning by David Crowder, I realized that I am to come to the fountain, I am to come and listen to what God has done, and will CONTINUE to do, and I am to COME AWAKE.

What good is it to listen, and be told but then not do. So, let your yes's be YES and no's be NO. Stop dragging your feet, with Maybe's and I do it tomorrow's. COME NOW, and do it. DO what you are called to do. Do what Jesus has shown us is right, and when it's on your heart follow it, don't hesitant to COME, or to GO.

And, in everything remember what Jesus has done, he CAME, he made a vow to save us from all evil, and he followed through. Now, the least me and you can do, is our BEST to always come through!

A new beginning

It's Suzanne, you've found me here because I've given up on Facebook and Myspace. Mainly because of the silliness of applications and the influx of people who call themselves my friends. I've moved here because here I can be me. I can use my words and my pictures with the assurance that only those who are actually my friends, and not just beings lead by curiousity will be enlightened. Even though I don't have to know who you are I can be content with knowing that you more than likely actaully know me. Otherwise how would you know to find me here? So, yeah thats the reason behind the transition. I did take the liberty to move my previous blogs over from myspace, so you can't say you've missed anything.
Oh yeah and before I go.. I "blog" with intentions, and hopes that my words will be an encouragement, my experiences an inspiration, not as a means to journal my hearts deepest concerns. That's the point in journaling. There IS a difference.

pee on my sperrys (7/11)

So today was surely a day! I had an experience like no other, well it really was'nt that bad but in the moment it was HORRIBLE. So, I was working with my kids, and we're all at the library. As, we enter in I offer everyone a chance to use the bathroom and there are no takers. Just minutes as we walk through the door, and get set up using the computers, my 3 year crosses her legs, and as she squirms she says " I gotta pee pee". Of course me being prideful, and irritated I make her wait for like 2 seconds realizing if we don't go she'll pee her pants. So, as I am lecturing her about having a previous opportunity we hurry to the bathroom to make it on time. But, later comes the big kicker, the one where I get tested to the max. Again, my 3 year old has for whatever reason held it so long her eyeballs are floating, she decides to tell me again in the squirmy, holding herself manner... " I gotta pee pee". I once again rush her to the bathroom, and as I'm pulling her pants down she pees, all over herself, the floor and my FEET ( and my favorite sperry's!). In the heat of the moment I shout" Ashley stop, as I put her on the toilet to finish her business, she begins to cry in the most pitiful and innocent manner. Me still wrapped in the fact that I am a germ-o-phob, and highly irritated that this kid good and well potty trained continues to wait to the LAST possible second to attempt to make it to the bathroom, I clean up her overalls, while she still cries in embrassment and shame. I realize you know she's 3! And, all of a sudden the automatic flusher goes off and her big beautiful brown eyes light up in shock, I see a smile peeking through. Right there in that moment, in those big Ashley, sweet and love filled eyes, I see God. He say's "you asked for this, you asked for patience, you asked to be molded into the type of wife and mother I'd have you to be for Shayne, you asked for me to make you love others in a deep and intimate way". He said " calm down Suzanne!, handle this as I would." I was convicted and humbled in that brief moment. And, as I responded to her reaction of the flush, I scoop her up and say " ohh no ohh no we can't have you flush away". The tears roll away from face, the shame dims, and that smile that I swear touches her ears and my heart is back. I realize she's a baby, she made a mistake and in no way would Jesus of ever put his sperry's or his on phobia of germs before the heart of someone else. And, I know now that even though its fun to joke about with friends, I never again will either.

Just Saying (6/19)

just saying

So, its been a while since I've journaled and normally I'm totally opposed to writing a "blog" for all to see. But, I'm sitting here thinking and so here it goes. It's has been a CRAZY last few months. Life has been going 100mph plus and its been a chaotic whirlwind but I must say that one thing remains to hold true, and that's God and his gracious love and security. Over the past couple months I've dealt with things that really caused emotional turmoil in my life, but yet made me just a bit stronger in my faith with God. However, all along i've been putting myself aside, thinking it's what Jesus would do. But, sometimes it happens that we forget to love and care for ourselves, so in the midst of loving everyone us, we lose sight of "us". That has happened to me, and so finally I surrendered to God. When I felt like I could not take the emptiness anymore that derives from not being able to do enough, to "fix" things I realized it's not all for me to fix, but rather to turn over to Him. And, just the other night I sat down and cried about it and spoke with God about it in a way I have yet to do so. I cried about why people hurt and don't feel loved, why people ever have to second guess their own self worth. I cried about being so financially fortunate when others aren't even sure that they will be able to provide food for their family, I cried because I look at 3 beautiful smiles everyday and I know how uneasy their lives really are. I cry because I don't know what will come for them. I cried because I'm on edge with the people I love, because I don't know for sure what tomorrow brings in my own life. We're getting married, without jobs and I'm still in school and that scares the mess out of me. But, the constant ALWAYS outweighs the stress. And, that constant is God, and his amazing people. As, I was talking to a very dear friend of mine the other night on the phone, I was expressing how stressed and concerned I am about my future, and she says " you know I think it's ok to be there, to not know" and she's right.... just trust and perservere.God will deal with the rest. My life is above and beyond blessed and filled with joy, and so what when the world and its biggest fan Satan try to get me down? I can press on. Because I am loved, by God, and some incredible poeple. And, all I can shoot for is another day, to be in the presence of God, and to live for Him and His people. To love His people, hurt when they hurt and pray feriously that all come to know Him. Anyway, I just wanted to get this out, and hopefully encourage some one else who may think "life is hard...it sucks" that you ARE not alone ...we all have ALOT to deal with. But, because of the greatest sacrifice ever made we can press on and we can live meaningful lives!