I just wanna write ...

I'm not really sure where this is going or what the moral will be at the end of the story... but I just feel that it is time for me to write again. As most of you know I have a BIG day coming VERY soon, I'm getting married on Saturday! I can't be any happier, I could afford to be a little less stressed but its all worth it. During my wedding planning, I've discovered a lot of things. Such as who my TRUE friends really are, unfortunately not everyone cares if you're happy or not and people really are selfish. At the same time many are selfless. My fiance can write better than I gave him credit for just wait to you hear his vows. My family is incredible! My big brother is still my hero! Yellow is a hard color to find in wedding stuff I don't know why because it's so beautiful. Music will make the day even more special. It is an honor that the kids I love so dearly are all actively taking part. School is really piling up, and A's may actually be a challenge this semester. My girls weekend, was the encouragement I needed and a reflection of one of God's greatest gifts... friendship. I know that special people are a part of all this even in their absence. I wish things were different and better with certain people. I KNOW that God has his hand in all of it, and it will be a beautiful Saturday. I am beginning to feel overwhelmed, but not in a stressed way. Rather in a humbling, brings me to tears way. Of course I have a lot to do still, and work that is due Thursday. But, beyond that right on the outside of that reality, lays the reality of being loved. I see the friends I have that have been there for me when my heart was broken, and now when it's becoming whole. I have a family that is the very root of my sanity, and the constant reminder of how blessed I truly am. I have a fiance that will be waiting for me at the end of the isle with the cutest most pure smirk on his precious face. He has been such an amazing part of the planning, and I just don't think boys get enough credit. And, then God... who's sitting back watching me fret over napkins that weren't printed correctly, and pushing me to complete my work, and to grasp hold of what is about to happen in my life. Even though this is our time, God is so good! And, he reminds me to remember others in this time too. To focus my ceremony on the good of others. He will be here Saturday night and I hope everyone sees/ feels his presence in what we are doing. I am so blessed and usually when I feel convicted, humbled. and just simply thankful I feel like others should know it. Because the same God who keeps me grounded, and covers my life with grace and peace... LOVES you and wants you to have that same peace in your heart. My life is crazy right now, its stressful but it's GOOD. I am loved, I love and I am complete through that. Anyway, I just thought I'd share with you on what keeps me going... what's constant in my life.

You and me we come from different worlds

I remember when I first told my daddy about you and he said .. "he's a Yankee... I bet he's a liberal too!" he he... how wrong he was. And, now today we are a month away from tying the knot, from becoming Mr. and Mrs.! And I can't even explain how excited I am. It's funny you know Shayne and I have a couple songs that really mean a lot to us, and that's how the title of this blog came about. That is a line from Hootie's "only wanna be with you".. how true that is .. Shayne and I did come from two totally different worlds, but oh how true it is that I only wanna be with him. I met Shayne in 2006 at an orientation for Summershine, and I thought he was precious right from the start, he seemed genuine, and real! However, we won't talk about the fact that I was dating someone at the time, all that needs to be known is that from the moment I met Shayne I knew he was special. Then a couple months later, my mama and I pull into the Summershine house and here he comes down the steps to greet me. He graciously helped us unload all of my stuff, and assured my mama that he'd look after me that summer, still for whatever reason I was in a relationship. I'm sure you know though that the relationship quickly fizzled as the summer got started, and I was hurt... because for once since John I had trusted someone again and let my guard down, and allowed my heart to open... and then what do you know it ends again. It was hard on me, being in a leadership position and needing to stay strong when I all I wanted to do was fall apart. Because this person I trusted, I trusted that he loved God and Me and he let me down. So, of course I didn't tell any shiners when it happened, and that weekend I had to leave for a special wedding back at home, so it was easy to not tell people. However, Shayne knew it, he could tell it... he has always been able to read me. He didn't say anything until I returned and he still said more through his actions then his words, he knew !'d talk to him when I was ready. For the rest of that summer Shayne and I fell in love,but as friends first. We fell even more in love with God and with each other through all that God was showing us. I knew from that first day, that he would be very special to me. Never did I really see how hard I'd fall for him. All that summer we spent time together, learning each other and new things about life, love and God. We'd write encouragement notes to each other, and hang out on our days off. Of course the world was shouting from the roof tops... they're dating they're dating. But, we both knew in our hearts how important our relationship/friendship was and there was nothing either of us would of done to jeopardize it's potential. So we laughed as they talked and continued to pray together, play together and be FRIENDS. As the summer drew near to close we knew we both felt the same, but me being the stronger willed of the two.. i ignited us dating. It was the best decision of my life. Shayne and I dated for four months, and then realized we loved each other but we were not together on a lot of things in life, and we took a break. It was the hardest time in his life to watch me walk away, but it didn't take him long to realize I hadn't gone far. A lot of things happened in his life while I was gone, things that were/ are hard and things that truly built character. Every since things have still being falling apart around him, but there two constants in his life, and he knew it in his heart that those two were, his relationship with Christ and his relationship with me.... which both grew stronger while we were apart. While we were on a break I too built my relationship with God stronger, and my actions and thoughts not only revolved around what would Jesus do, but also What will Shayne think? I knew from a summers night watching field of dreams that in that moment I had met my husband. I wasn't sure how long it'd take to be his wife, or the road we'd travel to get there, I just knew he was it. And, as we are a month away from saying I do, I just wanted all of you to know how incredibly awesome Shayne Frank Wilkinson is. Hes the kind of man, that doesn't say much but says so much. He avoids confrontation and guards people's hearts, even if he has to take the punches to do so he is one of the most humble and gentle men I know. He has a genuine love for people, and a precious little goofy personality that makes him Shayne. He's in love with Jesus, and me and with that what more can I ask for? Summer of 06 will always be the summer of my life, the summer that changed everything. And, as for me and Shayne we're just getting started on keeping those SW² dreams alive. I hope that if you're reading this you've met the person God made just for you, the person that makes you wanna be better, and encourages you daily. If you haven't I pray you're OK with that because trust me God, has that person out there so don't waste your time looking for them ... let them find you. Cause I sure wasn't looking for Shayne, but he found me. And, praise God for that!

"It's not goodbye, it's see ya later!"

I should of written this last night while all the thoughts and emotions were fresh on my heart and mind, but i didn't have the composure to do so. So, instead I took it all to bed with me, and I shared it with God, and with Shayne.... this last year and half has been like no other year. It's been the best year of my life, hands down! I got engaged to the man God brought to me, I got into grad school, and I had the blessing to work with the youth (teens) at my church. And, don't get me wrong I'm not downing the first two at all, I could write about Shayne for days. Or about how excited I am to continue my education and get a little closer to my professional goal. But, this morning I am writing on my experience with youth ministry because I'd honestly say it's been life altering. Working with these kids, changed me... it changed my perspective on a lot of things, it made me hunger for the Word more so I'd always be prepared, it made me wanna be a better person, with a character and reputation that they'd want to follow. I can't explain what it means to turn in to the church and see a full parking lot, and hear them say "BS your late". I know there are a lot of good kids out there, but these guys, they're different. They're real, and they're committed to their faith and to one another, and to me. Last night as we brought our ministry together to a close, due to separation with college, marriage and absence of me being the leader, I got it! I got it in a way I had never grasped it before, as we're taking pictures of tear filled eyes, lingering around to the very last minute, and studying the Word on how to be sincere in our relationships, I saw it. I saw God working in that building, and I was sad, but so so happy. I cried because this chapter has ended, but inside, my heart was screaming with joy about what's next to come. These kids are gonna be BIG, they will be making differences on college and high school campuses, they will press on. I will press on! I was overwhelmed with pride, I don't think they will ever know how proud I am of them, or how much I love each of them. So, as we walked out of our youth center last night, and locked the door... we ended a chapter that everyone thinks was the climax of life thus far, however, I see it as the foundation of things that are yet to come... things that are SO much bigger. GOD has big plans for all of them, and for me, and I pray and hope that together we will hold each other accountable, and always seek out God first. So, guys if you are reading this you know what I say: Listen to God first in everything, know who your friends are ( accountability) and love as if its all you know how to do, and of course HAVE FUN! Youth Ministry together may be over, but us as friends and siblings will NEVER end. So I won't say good bye... just see ya later.

Come...

So this morning in my quiet time I was talking to God about the last few days well, the last 6 to be exact. I was thanking him for all the friends that CAME this weekend to celebrate me. I thanked him for bringing a very special family out of danger, or possible danger. I thanked him for the opportunity to Come and do youth ministry, and I thanked him for it coming to an end last night. You know as I read the word, I see how often the word COME is used. As you should know I love David Crowder, and to help me write this I listened to two of my favorite songs he sings about coming. Come and listen and Come Awake both of which give great insight to the point of the word COME.
Come and listen, to the waters edge all of you, who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, to the waters edge all of you, who are thirsty.
Let me tell you what he has done for me, for YOU, for us
Come and listen to what he has done.
Praise our God,
for he is good
he is good
PRAISE...... for he is GOOD.
He has done for you, for me, for us
COME AND LISTEN.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUxF3LULDG4

In Ecclesiastes chapter 5 it talks about standing in the AWE of God. And, I don't know if you've ever done that before, maybe while gazing a beautiful sunset, or while lost in music that brings tears of conviction to your eyes. But, I am writing this because over the last week I have been stuck in a state of standing in awe of God, crying those tears of conviction and gratitude for all that he has done.
The word says, 2: Do NOT be quick with your mouth, do NOT be hasty in your heart, to utter anything before God. God is in Heaven and you are on Earth so let your words be FEW. 4: When you make a vow to God, do NOT delay in fulfilling it. It is better to not to vow than to make a vow and not fulfill it. This goes a long with a lesson Amanda and Neal so adamantly taught us, let your YES be YES and your NO be NO. Meaning, if you are called to COME rather to a celebration, or to come serve the Lords teenagers, or to find a safe haven for a worried family to come, then DO IT! Vow, to come and listen, and to come awake... ready to follow through.

This is a huge problem with all of us, we know the right things to do always, but we don't always do them. As for me I know when I'm called to come, and I know that quiet often I pick and choose what I come to, and what I come to do with those opportunities. Jesus told us in another form of come, to GO! He said in Matthew, GO make disciples of all nations. He said in Corinthians, GO LOVE my people.

So in a reminder this morning by David Crowder, I realized that I am to come to the fountain, I am to come and listen to what God has done, and will CONTINUE to do, and I am to COME AWAKE.

What good is it to listen, and be told but then not do. So, let your yes's be YES and no's be NO. Stop dragging your feet, with Maybe's and I do it tomorrow's. COME NOW, and do it. DO what you are called to do. Do what Jesus has shown us is right, and when it's on your heart follow it, don't hesitant to COME, or to GO.

And, in everything remember what Jesus has done, he CAME, he made a vow to save us from all evil, and he followed through. Now, the least me and you can do, is our BEST to always come through!

A new beginning

It's Suzanne, you've found me here because I've given up on Facebook and Myspace. Mainly because of the silliness of applications and the influx of people who call themselves my friends. I've moved here because here I can be me. I can use my words and my pictures with the assurance that only those who are actually my friends, and not just beings lead by curiousity will be enlightened. Even though I don't have to know who you are I can be content with knowing that you more than likely actaully know me. Otherwise how would you know to find me here? So, yeah thats the reason behind the transition. I did take the liberty to move my previous blogs over from myspace, so you can't say you've missed anything.
Oh yeah and before I go.. I "blog" with intentions, and hopes that my words will be an encouragement, my experiences an inspiration, not as a means to journal my hearts deepest concerns. That's the point in journaling. There IS a difference.

pee on my sperrys (7/11)

So today was surely a day! I had an experience like no other, well it really was'nt that bad but in the moment it was HORRIBLE. So, I was working with my kids, and we're all at the library. As, we enter in I offer everyone a chance to use the bathroom and there are no takers. Just minutes as we walk through the door, and get set up using the computers, my 3 year crosses her legs, and as she squirms she says " I gotta pee pee". Of course me being prideful, and irritated I make her wait for like 2 seconds realizing if we don't go she'll pee her pants. So, as I am lecturing her about having a previous opportunity we hurry to the bathroom to make it on time. But, later comes the big kicker, the one where I get tested to the max. Again, my 3 year old has for whatever reason held it so long her eyeballs are floating, she decides to tell me again in the squirmy, holding herself manner... " I gotta pee pee". I once again rush her to the bathroom, and as I'm pulling her pants down she pees, all over herself, the floor and my FEET ( and my favorite sperry's!). In the heat of the moment I shout" Ashley stop, as I put her on the toilet to finish her business, she begins to cry in the most pitiful and innocent manner. Me still wrapped in the fact that I am a germ-o-phob, and highly irritated that this kid good and well potty trained continues to wait to the LAST possible second to attempt to make it to the bathroom, I clean up her overalls, while she still cries in embrassment and shame. I realize you know she's 3! And, all of a sudden the automatic flusher goes off and her big beautiful brown eyes light up in shock, I see a smile peeking through. Right there in that moment, in those big Ashley, sweet and love filled eyes, I see God. He say's "you asked for this, you asked for patience, you asked to be molded into the type of wife and mother I'd have you to be for Shayne, you asked for me to make you love others in a deep and intimate way". He said " calm down Suzanne!, handle this as I would." I was convicted and humbled in that brief moment. And, as I responded to her reaction of the flush, I scoop her up and say " ohh no ohh no we can't have you flush away". The tears roll away from face, the shame dims, and that smile that I swear touches her ears and my heart is back. I realize she's a baby, she made a mistake and in no way would Jesus of ever put his sperry's or his on phobia of germs before the heart of someone else. And, I know now that even though its fun to joke about with friends, I never again will either.

Just Saying (6/19)

just saying

So, its been a while since I've journaled and normally I'm totally opposed to writing a "blog" for all to see. But, I'm sitting here thinking and so here it goes. It's has been a CRAZY last few months. Life has been going 100mph plus and its been a chaotic whirlwind but I must say that one thing remains to hold true, and that's God and his gracious love and security. Over the past couple months I've dealt with things that really caused emotional turmoil in my life, but yet made me just a bit stronger in my faith with God. However, all along i've been putting myself aside, thinking it's what Jesus would do. But, sometimes it happens that we forget to love and care for ourselves, so in the midst of loving everyone us, we lose sight of "us". That has happened to me, and so finally I surrendered to God. When I felt like I could not take the emptiness anymore that derives from not being able to do enough, to "fix" things I realized it's not all for me to fix, but rather to turn over to Him. And, just the other night I sat down and cried about it and spoke with God about it in a way I have yet to do so. I cried about why people hurt and don't feel loved, why people ever have to second guess their own self worth. I cried about being so financially fortunate when others aren't even sure that they will be able to provide food for their family, I cried because I look at 3 beautiful smiles everyday and I know how uneasy their lives really are. I cry because I don't know what will come for them. I cried because I'm on edge with the people I love, because I don't know for sure what tomorrow brings in my own life. We're getting married, without jobs and I'm still in school and that scares the mess out of me. But, the constant ALWAYS outweighs the stress. And, that constant is God, and his amazing people. As, I was talking to a very dear friend of mine the other night on the phone, I was expressing how stressed and concerned I am about my future, and she says " you know I think it's ok to be there, to not know" and she's right.... just trust and perservere.God will deal with the rest. My life is above and beyond blessed and filled with joy, and so what when the world and its biggest fan Satan try to get me down? I can press on. Because I am loved, by God, and some incredible poeple. And, all I can shoot for is another day, to be in the presence of God, and to live for Him and His people. To love His people, hurt when they hurt and pray feriously that all come to know Him. Anyway, I just wanted to get this out, and hopefully encourage some one else who may think "life is hard...it sucks" that you ARE not alone ...we all have ALOT to deal with. But, because of the greatest sacrifice ever made we can press on and we can live meaningful lives!